Category Archives: The Reason

The reason why I’m doing this…. actually there are many…

Decisions and regrets

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Hmmm so it seems another month has gone by…. how is that actually possible?? Damn you WP for not posting all those kickass mental posts that I’ve thought up in this past month. Geeeez.

I’ve had the last two weeks off work to sort out some shit and during this time I’ve come to a very regretable/sad/kickingmyselfinthebutt/dumb realisation. This place is not “The One”. I’ve almost been here a year and it’s taken me all of that time to work it out. Dumbass.

The fact that I still haven’t fully unpacked and have only just recently unpacked my ‘study’ should have been a clue. The fact that I was so fkn impatient and just wanted to get out of my Mum’s house should have been a clue. The fact that the tidy sum of money that I had saved from the sale of my last place and which I’d intended on using for the renos etc to make this place what I wanted it to be but was wiped out because I had to use it as part of a 20% deposit due to the size of the land should have been a clue. The fact that there is no area for grazing animals should have been a clue. The fact that I should NOT have trusted the agent when he said that the council had been out inspecting weeds and found nothing should have been a clue. I should have tested the soil depth and quality so that I didn’t discover that I’m basically sitting on shale rock with 5 cm of soil on top so I can’t really plant or grow anything unless it’s in a raised bed. The house is functional but needs updating and now that we’re back to winter again it’s really cold and I wryly find myself thinking… wouldn’t be cold if it was a fkn strawbale house dumbass.

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE this place, the seclusion and serenity, it’s just not the right land for what I now know what I want to do. And I’m never going to be able to save up enough money to do the house improvements that I want to do or install solar, or improve the soil or plant an orchard etc etc etc ad infinitum ad nauseum. When I had to give up my little pot of money for the deposit I thought “oh it’ll be fiiiine, I’m not in a rush, it’ll work out when I need to find money to do things”. That day won’t come. There’ll always be something cropping up (like the weedspraying which I still haven’t done and have to get cracking on this winter).  So many things I need like a ride on lawnmower/slasher to keep this place under control but that’s not gonna happen either. I should have fkn clued on and said impatience begone! and walked away from it. I do remember having second thoughts about it but just brushed them aside because of the strong strong feeling of just wanting to get on with it and have my own space again. Maybe this is also a lesson in second thoughts and gut feelings for me.

And despite finding this place and loving it, I have to acknowledge that I still have in my heart that need to build my strawbale house that I’d planned before. I should have stuck to my dream and just given myself an uppercut and waited til the right bit of land came along. Instead I compromised. Bzzzt, wrong, thanks for playing.

So I’m going to sell. But of course, in this Part 2 of LESSON IN PATIENCE I can’t do anything for another year because part of my mortgage is fixed (also a mistake) and reading the fine print says that it’s going to be super expensive to break that fixed portion early. AND I’ve still got to find the right land AGAIN. Last time it took me one and a half fucking YEARS to find this place… I just need to have faith and hope that because this time I am doing what I set out to do in the first place that it won’t take as long. I have already started to have a look around and found a nice parcel of land that meets those previous criteria (except there’s no real water on the land except a couple of dams but with all I’ve been reading on permaculture and dam building that shouldn’t really be an issue, just on the wishlist) but I can’t do anything yet.

I don’t want to torture myself too much with looking because financially I can’t do anything til that fixed portion can be changed back to variable but it’s so hard not to. I just feel so dumb about all of this. To be back at the start again. I’m trying to just concentrate on the fact that it’s just a giant lesson in patience and sticking to your dreams and not compromising on what you want.

Dumbass.

 

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Desk whore

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I’m struggling. Really fkn struggling. The imbalance between being trapped doing something that sucks my will to live on a daily basis and needing to do it in order to hold on to paradise. The imbalance between having a life of meaningful work versus being a desk jockey for money. Haha a desk whore if you will.

The three weeks of my Christmas holiday were great. I didn’t get a whole lot done but I really enjoyed my place. Really enjoyed it to the point where I just had a couple moments of just being still and BEING and enjoying. The peace, the bird and frog song, the rains on my roof, the smell of hot summer eucalypts, watching the duckies grow (more on them later). But returning to work has been really hard this year and every day I’m struggling with what to do and being frustrated at the lack of answers. It’s a vicious circle. I need to work to pay for my place of paradise. And my paradise traps me in this useless work. I’ve questioned whether this is going to work out. I’ve been on my property for 6 months already, can you believe it! I’m so lost with all this running round in my head that I don’t know what to do. I’ve actually considered selling but that thought didn’t last long because it’s the property that I want, not the useless bullshit that I have to do every day to keep it.

So I have all those thoughts and then I come across one of those sayings that goes along the lines of “accept it, change it, leave it” with regard to your mindset on situations. And I step back and realise that I can do that but I just don’t want to anymore. I’ve accepted that I have to do this mindless drudgery to keep what I want. That in reality I’m very lucky to have what I do and I should accept that as well. I can change how I think about my day to day from 8:30am-5pm and just focus on the homelife and be happy with that. But I’m not sure if I really can. It’s a nice concept but Monday mornings always bring the “oh fk do I really have to do this again all week” feelings back with a bang. I can’t really change jobs at the moment because I’m extremely lucky to have the job that I do with the salary attached to it and there is nothing going in my area at the moment, trust me I’ve actually looked.

Hence the trap. Sorry, I’m having a bit of a whinge aren’t I. Just really frustrated that I can’t do what I want and am forced to do mindless useless shit instead. Part of the whole idea of me being there is for self-sufficiency and I’m not as far along as I’d hoped thanks to the lack of filthy lucre. And knowledge. I’ve got so many questions and no one to ask. They’re really specific questions about my area of land (shale) and ye olde Google isn’t offering much insight for once. *sigh*

Anyway enough of the pity party. On to the babies! Oh wait… crap! I just realised I haven’t posted anything since December so I haven’t even told you about them! This post is getting a bit long so I’ll post it in a separate post and start from the start. This will just be a whinge post that you can just skip over hahah. Thanks for reading if you got this far, just had to vent y’know….

Why are you doing this?

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I’m slowly turning black and blue from all the self pinching. I keep looking at the photos thinking “that’s MINE!!!!!!!!”. It seems real and that the same time it doesn’t. I’m super excited but at the same time I feel this deep level of calmness that I didn’t expect. I thought I’d be doing constant backflips all over the room all day long but I’m quietly peaceful, tranquil almost ;}. I think that because I’ve been looking for MY place for so long and have actually found a place that ticks every box and then some… it’s hard to believe that a) it actually exists and 2) it’s actually mine and I will be living there. So for perhaps the final post in the Property Inspection category I’ll post some of the pics.

The lovely grassy area by the river.

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The view from the veggie patch, overlooking the river

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The view from the veggie patch to the back of my property… that’s allllll MINE! Right to the top of the back ridge.

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I don’t want to post too many photos of the house n stuff just yet as it’s not officially mine. Privacy and all y’know.

So for the final time – bush block, tick. River, tick. 45 mins to work, tick. 300 acres, tick. Rayburn wood stove, bonus tick. Clawfoot tub, bonus tick. Massive walk in robe, bonus tick. Chicken run including chickens, bonus tick. Massive workshop with combustion fireplace, bonus tick.

My brain has been going at turbo speed thinking about all the things I want to do and what to do first. Really random things like planting white climbing roses over the edge carport and what to plant in the bare flower beds. Had to giggle that they’re there, bare, ready for me to plant exactly what I want to plant. Like the rest of the house, in decent condition but just needing me to put my stamp on it all and make it mine all mine. In the grand scheme of things there is nothing that NEEDS to be done (except that carpet I posted before but in it’s own way it’s a “design feature” (I’m being kind)). It’s all perfectly liveable but I’m just itching to customise it all. In particular the walk in closet. I have great giant squeeeeeee moments every time I think about it and how lush it’s going to be when I finished. When I really think about it, seeing that at the property inspection kinda sealed the deal for me as I liked the rest of the photos but they hadn’t taken a photo of the WIR so I was dying to see what it looked like and the fact that it’s MASSIVE! *sigh* did I mention I can’t wait to move in? mkay just checking 😉

I’ve been getting an interesting reaction from friends who I’ve told that my offer has been accepted on a rural property and that I’m moving to the boonies and that’s “why would you want to do that??” accompanied by a look of horror. (not that it’s really the boonies mind you, only 45 mins from civilisation ;}). And I’ve refined my half an hour response detailing permaculture, aquaponics, and sustainability down to a couple of words. “I want to live a simpler life and be more self sufficient.” Sums it all up nicely in a little nutshell without me hopping on on the soapbox and coming across as an absolute raving loon.  I want to wake up in the morning and revel in the absolute fucking quiet and go get my breakfast from my chickens before I head off to desk jockey for the day. I want to be able to come home from work and pick my dinner from the garden and talk to the chooks as they head back into their coop in the orchard. And revel in the absolute peace and fucking quiet and tranquility. Mhmmm! Can’t wait!!!!

Musings

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I was talking with my Mum last night and she asked what my understanding of my life’s purpose is and I have to admit I don’t know yet (apart from learn what I can in the time that I have). I’m still trying to work out where my life is heading and what I’m sposed to be doing and I don’t have a clue. That scares the cack out of me because time keeps ticking by at a furious rate and I’m hitting a big milestone next year AKA 40 and this is totally not where I thought my life would be at this age.

Right now I’m focusing on finding my land so I can build my house and grow my veg and I have a feeling that that is a step in the right direction. I’ve had a few “signs” that it is so I can only assume that I’m traveling on the right path and that things will be revealed to me when I need to know. But you know how patient I am…. (ie NOT AT ALL)

That being said, a friend sent me this today:
if you're not doing what you love

From http://rawforbeauty.com/blog/if-you-are-not-doing-what-you-love-you-are-wasting-your-time-billy-joel-2.html

And that struck quite a chord with me today particularly in light of my convo last night and my resulting melancholy mood. Basically because I feel like I’ve been wasting my time in what I’ve been doing with my life for the last 20 or so years. I don’t feel like I’ve actually achieved anything or done anything GREAT* and I’m not sure whether that’s because of the societal peer pressure on what a “normal” life is supposed to look like and how mine measures up or whether it’s the standard that I use to measure life. And as I’ve previously ranted about I feel like I’m wasting my time every single day being a desk jockey (although not the last couple of weeks as I’ve been doing house research while at work heheh… shhhh don’t tell the boss!).

The problem is, what is the remedy? I know the things I love to do but unfortunately the way the world is structured I need money to pay the bills and my future mortgage. It’s the old platitude of “do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”. And that’s the trick. So very few people get to that point in their lives. I don’t lack for creativity or bravery to take a giant leap and pursue my loves but they’re not things that could sustain my financial life, only my “love” life if you will. And I don’t want to build this house only to lose it but I don’t want to be chained to the desk to maintain it. Damn you filthy lucre -.-

I don’t like feeling like I’m not the master of my destiny. I’m in control of me, I’m the driver of this bus. And yet I don’t have the directions to steer myself down the way I want to go. Part of the reason I love to read other people’s blogs, the ones who are living the life I aspire to, is to work out how they did it and are doing it. And then try and work out how I can too (and not be an underpants gnome*) and see if I can divine their secret road map.

So it’s a lesson in patience at the moment. And try not to feel like I’m in limbo. Keep doing what I’m doing and wait and see. Keep dreaming my dream, keep the laser focus on creating the life I want to live. Baby steps eh? I never was really good at that 🙂

More housey goodness and less of the pensive ramblings next time I promise.

*Great as in Big, Major, Important, Significant not fun, wonderful, very good because I have had those kind of great times.

*Underpants Gnome – http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/04/05/underpants-gnomes/

Time flies…

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So I’m about 3/4 packed up… 6 days to go til I have to be out.  Just the big furniture things which the movers are taking to storage on Thursday. I’ve been taking boxes of stuff over there already and there’s 43 boxes of stuff lined up against one wall like a giant Tetris puzzle. Funny how when you look at a wall of a boxes and think that it contains your “life”. In a way it’s just stuff. Things that when I look at they make me happy. As I’ve been packing my stuff it’s given me a lot of time to think about the  things I’m packing and why I’m keeping them.  I do have a hoarding trait but it’s because of my upbringing. Since I was born, this is my 18th move (I think, and not that I remember all of them of course). But I’ve become a pro at moving in a way. And it’s partly the  reason that I want my land and to build my house. To plant MY roots. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere, that anywhere felt like HOME.

When someone asks you “where are you from” how do you answer? The place you’re born? the place you grew up? Your hometown? For me it’s not an easy question to answer. I was born in a foreign land that my parents lived in for a few years, growing up I never lived anywhere for more than 3 or 4 years until I came to Australia when I was 13. And my hometown is the place I live right now by default because it’s the place I’ve lived the longest. I don’t have any affinity to this place other than that. So I guess my quest for land and to build a house on it is in a way my quest to stake a claim in this world and make it mine.  And hopefully something that my children will think of as theirs. The future is uncertain but it’s something I hope they will feel.

When I look at the things I’m packing, a lot of them have memories attached and I think that’s why I hold on to them. Because growing up and moving so much I was never allowed to keep things. I feel silly for holding on to two boxes of Barbie stuff but the feelings that are attached with that stuff are so intense that I don’t want to let go of them yet. It’s memories of my childhood and the place I was when I used to play with them every day for hours on end and make clothes and furniture for them.  There’s like a golden movie haze that I associate with that time. My Dad built me this giant Barbie house and I was SO thrilled to have it. I remember sneaking down to the basement to watch him build it and wish he’d hurry up so that I could put all my Barbie furniture in it and start playing with it. Like a lot of my childhood toys I don’t remember what happened to it but I can see it so clearly and still treasure it whenever I look at my Barbie stuff.

I guess packing up your stuff stirs things up. Makes you evaluate your life and your “things”.  Makes you remember the memories attached to certain items. Funny but I miss my stuff already even though I know it’s all in boxes in a storage warehouse. But the things I own make me happy and dare I say it, define me. They make up my past and present. So with them all locked up in boxes in a warehouse it’s freeing and saddening at the same time.  Because it is just stuff and life is made up of more than that.

Anyway I’m insanely tired and as you can read, probably over emotional.  Just another step in the journey. More ranting and housey stuff another time.

Have a great day 🙂

Bullshit jobs

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Really enjoyed this article and found myself nodding my head in a few spots:

http://www.strikemag.org/bullshit-jobs/

It’s kinda what I was getting at in a previous post – making a meaningful contribution to the world on a daily basis. In my previous job I didn’t think what I did was meaningful, in fact I thought it was downright useless. If I stopped what I was doing the world wouldn’t stop turning and people would still go about their normal lives. There was a point to it for my organisation of course but it was pure desk dronery and paper shuffling to me. My new job, which I started in October, is a little different. I feel like am making a contribution to something a bit more important but it still smacks a little of “busywork” in the grand scheme of things.

I like to think of the usefulness aspect in terms of a zombie apocalypse. If shit hits the fan (and the fan is on high) and normal civilisation ended, being an executive desk drone is not very helpful or constructive. You can’t effectively slice a zombie up in a flurry of a thousand papercuts, staple their brains out or stab them in the eye with a hole punch to save your life. Unless you were a prepper during your home time you’re not going to be able to contribute to what remains of society in any beneficial way except for maybe sending out a memo to get the fk out of town and cc-ing in any living people.

Ultimately to me it comes down to striving for meaning vs working a job for money to pay the bills and be a good consumerist. Of course my definition of what is a meaningful job would be different to yours as I’m sure there are some desk drones who love their job and get a massive sense of satisfaction and significance out of it. And if so, good on them. For me I just want something more,  I need more meaning and more constructive usefulness. What that is exactly I don’t know yet and I’m still searching for it and a way to survive while doing it. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up (something I refuse to do by the way) but I guess along the discovery road I want to learn some essential skills so that I’m not killed off or left for dead if SHTF in whatever form that happened to take. And even if it didn’t, just to be a little bit more self reliant and less consumerist works for me while I’m plodding down the road of life.

Anyway my desk is calling – there are some papers to be shuffled.

 

 

 

 

Are you really here, to do this?

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Long time no see! Not much happening at the moment in the property market. I’m still checking the new (and price reduced) listings going on but there hasn’t even been anything worth looking at lately.  Bit awful really and its just a reminder to keep my chin up and that good things come to those who wait. I know the right property will turn up when I’m ready and as I said before I think I need to sell my house first and then hey presto the new property will appear.

For some reason my mind has been turning back to my grandparents on my Dad’s side. They were avid gardeners and I think I’ve inherited their green thumb as well as their gardening books. They had the most beautiful garden at their house down at the coast and transformed their little back yard into a big veggie patch with fruit trees and 2 avocado trees that me and my brother had sprouted from seed. I’d forgotten about those trees until a recent conversation where a friend of mine from the US told me that she’d never tasted avocados (shocking I know! ;}). I wonder if those trees are still there, one day I want to go and find out.

The fact that my grandparents had turned their little patch of dirt into a functioning food forest intrigues me now considering that that is what I’m aiming to do. I’m already following in their footsteps as my current place has an apple, apricot, plum and olive tree plus my little 4 bed veggie plot and herb bed. The property that I want to move to will have all of this and then some on a much grander scale as I’d like to provide for others too but it’s strange to realise that I’m following in their footsteps without really realising it.

In reality, farming your own back yard is what everyone of the older generation used to do out of necessity to survive and it looks like we’ve lost the ability to support ourselves due to technology, agriculture, convenience and lack of time (due to needing to work for money). This picture sums up a lot of my thinking recently:

you are here

What I do on a daily basis boils down to shuffling paper for no real worth. If I didn’t do it the world wouldn’t come to an end even if my paycheck did. I’m tied to this job because I need the money to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. But essentially it’s worthless. I have no satisfaction, I produce nothing and I contribute nothing to the world. Just another desk drone shuffling papers. And it annoys the fuck out of me that I’m forced to do this for the filthy lucre.

Part of the reason that I want my property is to reduce some of that feeling of uselessness. To be able to produce my own food, or part thereof. To install solar power panels so that I’m not reliant on the grid. (bit of fuckin peace and quiet from my damn neighbours dogs!!). I’m still going to need to work to pay off the land but at least in the interim, the small things will make me feel like I’m being part of a solution and self reliant rather than just another consumer.

And to kinda tie in with all of that, the below link is another part of the reasons I want to do what I want to do and is well worth a read if you’ve got some time:

http://milkwood.net/2013/07/08/this-is-not-a-doomsday-talk-allan-savorys-address-to-the-first-international-conference-of-the-savory-institute/

back to the paper shufflin…  ;}