Hmmm so it seems another month has gone by…. how is that actually possible?? Damn you WP for not posting all those kickass mental posts that I’ve thought up in this past month. Geeeez.
I’ve had the last two weeks off work to sort out some shit and during this time I’ve come to a very regretable/sad/kickingmyselfinthebutt/dumb realisation. This place is not “The One”. I’ve almost been here a year and it’s taken me all of that time to work it out. Dumbass.
The fact that I still haven’t fully unpacked and have only just recently unpacked my ‘study’ should have been a clue. The fact that I was so fkn impatient and just wanted to get out of my Mum’s house should have been a clue. The fact that the tidy sum of money that I had saved from the sale of my last place and which I’d intended on using for the renos etc to make this place what I wanted it to be but was wiped out because I had to use it as part of a 20% deposit due to the size of the land should have been a clue. The fact that there is no area for grazing animals should have been a clue. The fact that I should NOT have trusted the agent when he said that the council had been out inspecting weeds and found nothing should have been a clue. I should have tested the soil depth and quality so that I didn’t discover that I’m basically sitting on shale rock with 5 cm of soil on top so I can’t really plant or grow anything unless it’s in a raised bed. The house is functional but needs updating and now that we’re back to winter again it’s really cold and I wryly find myself thinking… wouldn’t be cold if it was a fkn strawbale house dumbass.
Don’t get me wrong I LOVE this place, the seclusion and serenity, it’s just not the right land for what I now know what I want to do. And I’m never going to be able to save up enough money to do the house improvements that I want to do or install solar, or improve the soil or plant an orchard etc etc etc ad infinitum ad nauseum. When I had to give up my little pot of money for the deposit I thought “oh it’ll be fiiiine, I’m not in a rush, it’ll work out when I need to find money to do things”. That day won’t come. There’ll always be something cropping up (like the weedspraying which I still haven’t done and have to get cracking on this winter). So many things I need like a ride on lawnmower/slasher to keep this place under control but that’s not gonna happen either. I should have fkn clued on and said impatience begone! and walked away from it. I do remember having second thoughts about it but just brushed them aside because of the strong strong feeling of just wanting to get on with it and have my own space again. Maybe this is also a lesson in second thoughts and gut feelings for me.
And despite finding this place and loving it, I have to acknowledge that I still have in my heart that need to build my strawbale house that I’d planned before. I should have stuck to my dream and just given myself an uppercut and waited til the right bit of land came along. Instead I compromised. Bzzzt, wrong, thanks for playing.
So I’m going to sell. But of course, in this Part 2 of LESSON IN PATIENCE I can’t do anything for another year because part of my mortgage is fixed (also a mistake) and reading the fine print says that it’s going to be super expensive to break that fixed portion early. AND I’ve still got to find the right land AGAIN. Last time it took me one and a half fucking YEARS to find this place… I just need to have faith and hope that because this time I am doing what I set out to do in the first place that it won’t take as long. I have already started to have a look around and found a nice parcel of land that meets those previous criteria (except there’s no real water on the land except a couple of dams but with all I’ve been reading on permaculture and dam building that shouldn’t really be an issue, just on the wishlist) but I can’t do anything yet.
I don’t want to torture myself too much with looking because financially I can’t do anything til that fixed portion can be changed back to variable but it’s so hard not to. I just feel so dumb about all of this. To be back at the start again. I’m trying to just concentrate on the fact that it’s just a giant lesson in patience and sticking to your dreams and not compromising on what you want.
I’m struggling. Really fkn struggling. The imbalance between being trapped doing something that sucks my will to live on a daily basis and needing to do it in order to hold on to paradise. The imbalance between having a life of meaningful work versus being a desk jockey for money. Haha a desk whore if you will.
The three weeks of my Christmas holiday were great. I didn’t get a whole lot done but I really enjoyed my place. Really enjoyed it to the point where I just had a couple moments of just being still and BEING and enjoying. The peace, the bird and frog song, the rains on my roof, the smell of hot summer eucalypts, watching the duckies grow (more on them later). But returning to work has been really hard this year and every day I’m struggling with what to do and being frustrated at the lack of answers. It’s a vicious circle. I need to work to pay for my place of paradise. And my paradise traps me in this useless work. I’ve questioned whether this is going to work out. I’ve been on my property for 6 months already, can you believe it! I’m so lost with all this running round in my head that I don’t know what to do. I’ve actually considered selling but that thought didn’t last long because it’s the property that I want, not the useless bullshit that I have to do every day to keep it.
So I have all those thoughts and then I come across one of those sayings that goes along the lines of “accept it, change it, leave it” with regard to your mindset on situations. And I step back and realise that I can do that but I just don’t want to anymore. I’ve accepted that I have to do this mindless drudgery to keep what I want. That in reality I’m very lucky to have what I do and I should accept that as well. I can change how I think about my day to day from 8:30am-5pm and just focus on the homelife and be happy with that. But I’m not sure if I really can. It’s a nice concept but Monday mornings always bring the “oh fk do I really have to do this again all week” feelings back with a bang. I can’t really change jobs at the moment because I’m extremely lucky to have the job that I do with the salary attached to it and there is nothing going in my area at the moment, trust me I’ve actually looked.
Hence the trap. Sorry, I’m having a bit of a whinge aren’t I. Just really frustrated that I can’t do what I want and am forced to do mindless useless shit instead. Part of the whole idea of me being there is for self-sufficiency and I’m not as far along as I’d hoped thanks to the lack of filthy lucre. And knowledge. I’ve got so many questions and no one to ask. They’re really specific questions about my area of land (shale) and ye olde Google isn’t offering much insight for once. *sigh*
Anyway enough of the pity party. On to the babies! Oh wait… crap! I just realised I haven’t posted anything since December so I haven’t even told you about them! This post is getting a bit long so I’ll post it in a separate post and start from the start. This will just be a whinge post that you can just skip over hahah. Thanks for reading if you got this far, just had to vent y’know….
I’ve lost my Christmas spirit. I used to have the Christmas bug so badly before, I actually enjoyed Christmas shopping! I’d be humming all the cheesy carols and set up my tree and decorate my house. I’d do Christmas baking and make giant batches of lil decorated shortbread Christmas trees to give to my friends and co-workers. I’d carefully wrap and decorate the presents I’d bought with pretty bows and cards. But the last couple of years I’ve started to hate it and dread it. It makes me feel bad and I feel obligated to participate with a fake smile plastered on my face.
Part of it is the way that my family has fractured over the last couple of years and part of it is my own spinsterhood. I realise that life changes and you need to adapt to that and to a point I have in that I’ve realised I can’t change the way my family is and have just accepted that it is the way it is. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though. Every year now I just feel like I’m going through the motions to please every one else. I don’t feel joyous or happy or any of the stuff I used to feel.
I think I have a lil chip on my shoulder because I don’t have my own family because things would be different if I did and I wouldn’t be expected to just go along with what everyone else wants because of it. Maybe I’m even a little bitter that I don’t have my own children discovering the prezzies under the tree and running around hyped up on sugar and Christmas cookies. It’s probably just my perception but it feels like my spinsterhood is the giant tinsel wrapped elephant in the room that I just can’t ignore. Particularly when I can see pity in the eyes of the family I talk to when they talk about the kids going crazy at the mound of prezzies at the crack of dawn. Like they’re very careful about what they say to me. That just kills me and I’m not sure if they realise it or not and it’s not like I can say anything either. The last two Christmases I’ve gone home and just cried because of something hurtful what someone has unwittingly said. Not to mention the outright snide comments but lets not go there.
This year, like last year, there’s the assumption that we’re doing the same old thing at the same old place. But this year is the first year of me being in my new place and I just want to scream that! I may be able to get out of it all using that as my excuse… and I do have a small sense of guilt about that which surprises me. I’d just love it to be special this year, I would dearly love to have everyone come to my place instead and have a massive banquet down by the river in the shade of the big willow and the kids running around and all that good fun stuff but it’s not going to happen. I won’t go into detail about why but just to say that my family has other plans and wouldn’t do it. My wants are not taken into consideration because I’m just the singleton that needs to tag along with what everyone else wants to do.
I was thinking of inviting a few friends out for lunch or something but everyone kinda already has plans with their families and there aren’t many strays to invite over. And sitting at home with a beautiful meal by myself just feels sad and pathetic even though it’s what I want to do. The alternative is to do the family do and feel sad and pathetic there….
I thought about going away on one of those Christmas cruises just to completely remove myself from the situation entirely but with all the massive bills that’s just not going to happen either. I know I’m being completely self absorbed and that I should be thankful that I have a family that wants to share and that there are a lot of people in this world that would gladly trade places with me. I realise as I type this how dumb it all is when I should be grateful that I have so much when others don’t. But it is the way it is. So I’m not entirely sure what to do yet this year, I’ve still got a little while to think about it. I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle.
So yeah, bah humbug.
EHMEGERD dear readers! (I’m allowed to say that, I’m a hipster remember yolo, lol, rofl, lmao (hahaha almost typed lamo… that irony is not lost on me… )) Anywayz… guess what??!! Got an email from the lawyer this morning asking if I’d be ok with moving up the settlement date to the 28th of July. Hmmm geee let me think. UM YEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
So I promptly updated my desk calendar for the countdown… um and then realised that I miscalculated my countdown so I’ve made a right ole mess of it, musta been high on the sharpie ink 🙂
BUT the important thing is that there are only 27 days to go!!!! Yes, yes I realise that there are electronic countdown apps n whatnot but this is more fun. Nothing’s more satisfying than physically turning the page to a brand spanking new lower number (albeit scrawled out twice). Easily amused, yes indeedy.
I’ve also become a bit of a Gumtree addict lately. I’ve been on a quest for furniture (and bunnies – for compost materials not eating!) as I Freecycled a lot of my stuff before I put it in storage. So far I’ve managed to nab some pretty good bargains but the one thing that’s remained elusive is my dining table. Then again I’m being a lil picky because I want something specific and don’t really want to pay $1000 for the one I want in the shop. I mean it’s a table ffs, why oh why do I have to have such expensive taste hmmmm?
But through my addicted stupor, the site is also pushing my grammar/spelling nazi button like mad (bzzzzzzt bzzzzzzzzzzt). It truly amazes me the amount of people who do not know how to spell “drawers” and instead butcher it with “draws”. The all time classic was a listing for “a chester draws”! oh really… does he now? RAAAGGGE!!! *deep breaths*
oh btw pinch and a punch for the first day of the month hehehe (besides the fact that I wrote this yesterday and it’s actually the 2nd today cuz I forgot to press publish, old age eh it’s a curse)
Had a bit of a revelation last night in the wee sleepless hours. My brain has been going a million miles an hour (considering there’s only 51 days to go til it’s mine!) so lately I’ve been waking up at 2am and not being able to get back to sleep cuz my brain won’t shut the bloody hell up jibbering and carrying on about nonsense and renovation ideas… Anyway as I mentioned before I’ve been getting a little overwhelmed by all the negativity surrounding my move to the country. And also a whole bunch of generally pissed-offness that no one except myself seems to give a shit about this whole situation. I just really want someone else to join me in jumping round the room squeeeeing loudly instead of changing the subject back to themselves or spouting negativity at me. That would be really nice because all the other shit is getting a bit tiring.
But I had a virtual slap upside the back of the head last night (or was that this morning)… why the hell should I care what other people think about this? This is about ME and what I want to do, not anyone else. I don’t need validation from other people about what I doing so why have I been wanting it? People are entitled to their own opinions so I shouldn’t be mad when it’s not the opinion I want it to be. As someone once told me “Others opinions are none of my business”. I’m only making myself angry that they’re not reacting how I want them to which is just a waste of time and energy because I’m going right ahead and doing it all regardless of their opinion. Basically… cut the shit, dumbass 🙂
So I woke up feeling better this morning, albeit tired 🙂
But now I have a renovation conundrum, whether to renovate now or late next year when a new Ikea opens up in the area? I’m basically talking about my kitchen as I have shopped around locally at Bunnings (Kaboodle), Masters and Smart Pack and they don’t have the black beveled “country” doors that I want which Ikea does. But also considering that I want to get my wardrobes, laundry cupboards and bathroom cabinets from Ikea too, it’s a lot to transport if I do it all at once. The other option is to hire a van and just get the kitchen cabinets so that I can do that and get the rest in 2015 when the new Ikea opens up. Or take more trips to Ikea heehee!
My main problem is that my benchtop connection, where I get family rates, has just sold their business so I’ve got a year to get my benchtop. So do I just do an estimated measure of what I think it’s going to be and buy and store the slabs until I actually build and hope that it fits…. or do I organise transport from the Ikea Sydney store (which will cost me a bit more than getting it from the new store in a years time) and do it relatively soon and have an accurate measure?
I’m leaning towards the van hire by the way 🙂 Mainly because I’m seriously impatient!!
And if I do the kitchen it means I need to do the floors in that area which are currently tiled with what looks like little square public toilet tiles to me…. see below, don’t you think so?
I was originally thinking of large format tiles as I’ve laid them before but I’m now leaning towards light grey vinyl “wood” planks. I’ve seen some really great images lately and I think it would look pretty good with the black kitchen cupboards. The lounge room carpet is a really light grey too so it wouldn’t clash. Not to mention that it’s a bit more forgiving if you drop something. Something along these lines:
(image pilfered from http://www.karndean.com)
Along with a billion other things that are going on in my head… that’s just a drop in the wide ocean for ya 🙂
So… I sent my craptastic solicitor an email at 4:45pm yesterday (Thursday) after not hearing a thing allll day, and allll day the day before when they’d talked about exchanging contracts. I asked whether exchange had been scheduled and got a reply back saying “Sorry, we neglected to let you know that exchange happened Wednesday afternoon” and ” sorry we had a busy day”. Wtfuckery? Really? Yeah I had a busy day checking my damn email all fkn day AND the all day the next day thankyouverymuch.
The upside is that it’s finally mine… the 60 day countdown has begun! Day 58 today 🙂 It’s weird, I’m excited and I’m not. I’m really surprising myself with how blahh I am about it all. I would have thought that after allll this time that I would be doing a few more backflips. I am excited don’t get me wrong, I’m just not manic. Weird.