I’m struggling. Really fkn struggling. The imbalance between being trapped doing something that sucks my will to live on a daily basis and needing to do it in order to hold on to paradise. The imbalance between having a life of meaningful work versus being a desk jockey for money. Haha a desk whore if you will.
The three weeks of my Christmas holiday were great. I didn’t get a whole lot done but I really enjoyed my place. Really enjoyed it to the point where I just had a couple moments of just being still and BEING and enjoying. The peace, the bird and frog song, the rains on my roof, the smell of hot summer eucalypts, watching the duckies grow (more on them later). But returning to work has been really hard this year and every day I’m struggling with what to do and being frustrated at the lack of answers. It’s a vicious circle. I need to work to pay for my place of paradise. And my paradise traps me in this useless work. I’ve questioned whether this is going to work out. I’ve been on my property for 6 months already, can you believe it! I’m so lost with all this running round in my head that I don’t know what to do. I’ve actually considered selling but that thought didn’t last long because it’s the property that I want, not the useless bullshit that I have to do every day to keep it.
So I have all those thoughts and then I come across one of those sayings that goes along the lines of “accept it, change it, leave it” with regard to your mindset on situations. And I step back and realise that I can do that but I just don’t want to anymore. I’ve accepted that I have to do this mindless drudgery to keep what I want. That in reality I’m very lucky to have what I do and I should accept that as well. I can change how I think about my day to day from 8:30am-5pm and just focus on the homelife and be happy with that. But I’m not sure if I really can. It’s a nice concept but Monday mornings always bring the “oh fk do I really have to do this again all week” feelings back with a bang. I can’t really change jobs at the moment because I’m extremely lucky to have the job that I do with the salary attached to it and there is nothing going in my area at the moment, trust me I’ve actually looked.
Hence the trap. Sorry, I’m having a bit of a whinge aren’t I. Just really frustrated that I can’t do what I want and am forced to do mindless useless shit instead. Part of the whole idea of me being there is for self-sufficiency and I’m not as far along as I’d hoped thanks to the lack of filthy lucre. And knowledge. I’ve got so many questions and no one to ask. They’re really specific questions about my area of land (shale) and ye olde Google isn’t offering much insight for once. *sigh*
Anyway enough of the pity party. On to the babies! Oh wait… crap! I just realised I haven’t posted anything since December so I haven’t even told you about them! This post is getting a bit long so I’ll post it in a separate post and start from the start. This will just be a whinge post that you can just skip over hahah. Thanks for reading if you got this far, just had to vent y’know….