I’ve lost my Christmas spirit. I used to have the Christmas bug so badly before, I actually enjoyed Christmas shopping! I’d be humming all the cheesy carols and set up my tree and decorate my house. I’d do Christmas baking and make giant batches of lil decorated shortbread Christmas trees to give to my friends and co-workers. I’d carefully wrap and decorate the presents I’d bought with pretty bows and cards. But the last couple of years I’ve started to hate it and dread it. It makes me feel bad and I feel obligated to participate with a fake smile plastered on my face.
Part of it is the way that my family has fractured over the last couple of years and part of it is my own spinsterhood. I realise that life changes and you need to adapt to that and to a point I have in that I’ve realised I can’t change the way my family is and have just accepted that it is the way it is. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though. Every year now I just feel like I’m going through the motions to please every one else. I don’t feel joyous or happy or any of the stuff I used to feel.
I think I have a lil chip on my shoulder because I don’t have my own family because things would be different if I did and I wouldn’t be expected to just go along with what everyone else wants because of it. Maybe I’m even a little bitter that I don’t have my own children discovering the prezzies under the tree and running around hyped up on sugar and Christmas cookies. It’s probably just my perception but it feels like my spinsterhood is the giant tinsel wrapped elephant in the room that I just can’t ignore. Particularly when I can see pity in the eyes of the family I talk to when they talk about the kids going crazy at the mound of prezzies at the crack of dawn. Like they’re very careful about what they say to me. That just kills me and I’m not sure if they realise it or not and it’s not like I can say anything either. The last two Christmases I’ve gone home and just cried because of something hurtful what someone has unwittingly said. Not to mention the outright snide comments but lets not go there.
This year, like last year, there’s the assumption that we’re doing the same old thing at the same old place. But this year is the first year of me being in my new place and I just want to scream that! I may be able to get out of it all using that as my excuse… and I do have a small sense of guilt about that which surprises me. I’d just love it to be special this year, I would dearly love to have everyone come to my place instead and have a massive banquet down by the river in the shade of the big willow and the kids running around and all that good fun stuff but it’s not going to happen. I won’t go into detail about why but just to say that my family has other plans and wouldn’t do it. My wants are not taken into consideration because I’m just the singleton that needs to tag along with what everyone else wants to do.
I was thinking of inviting a few friends out for lunch or something but everyone kinda already has plans with their families and there aren’t many strays to invite over. And sitting at home with a beautiful meal by myself just feels sad and pathetic even though it’s what I want to do. The alternative is to do the family do and feel sad and pathetic there….
I thought about going away on one of those Christmas cruises just to completely remove myself from the situation entirely but with all the massive bills that’s just not going to happen either. I know I’m being completely self absorbed and that I should be thankful that I have a family that wants to share and that there are a lot of people in this world that would gladly trade places with me. I realise as I type this how dumb it all is when I should be grateful that I have so much when others don’t. But it is the way it is. So I’m not entirely sure what to do yet this year, I’ve still got a little while to think about it. I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle.
So yeah, bah humbug.