I was talking with my Mum last night and she asked what my understanding of my life’s purpose is and I have to admit I don’t know yet (apart from learn what I can in the time that I have). I’m still trying to work out where my life is heading and what I’m sposed to be doing and I don’t have a clue. That scares the cack out of me because time keeps ticking by at a furious rate and I’m hitting a big milestone next year AKA 40 and this is totally not where I thought my life would be at this age.
Right now I’m focusing on finding my land so I can build my house and grow my veg and I have a feeling that that is a step in the right direction. I’ve had a few “signs” that it is so I can only assume that I’m traveling on the right path and that things will be revealed to me when I need to know. But you know how patient I am…. (ie NOT AT ALL)
And that struck quite a chord with me today particularly in light of my convo last night and my resulting melancholy mood. Basically because I feel like I’ve been wasting my time in what I’ve been doing with my life for the last 20 or so years. I don’t feel like I’ve actually achieved anything or done anything GREAT* and I’m not sure whether that’s because of the societal peer pressure on what a “normal” life is supposed to look like and how mine measures up or whether it’s the standard that I use to measure life. And as I’ve previously ranted about I feel like I’m wasting my time every single day being a desk jockey (although not the last couple of weeks as I’ve been doing house research while at work heheh… shhhh don’t tell the boss!).
The problem is, what is the remedy? I know the things I love to do but unfortunately the way the world is structured I need money to pay the bills and my future mortgage. It’s the old platitude of “do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”. And that’s the trick. So very few people get to that point in their lives. I don’t lack for creativity or bravery to take a giant leap and pursue my loves but they’re not things that could sustain my financial life, only my “love” life if you will. And I don’t want to build this house only to lose it but I don’t want to be chained to the desk to maintain it. Damn you filthy lucre -.-
I don’t like feeling like I’m not the master of my destiny. I’m in control of me, I’m the driver of this bus. And yet I don’t have the directions to steer myself down the way I want to go. Part of the reason I love to read other people’s blogs, the ones who are living the life I aspire to, is to work out how they did it and are doing it. And then try and work out how I can too (and not be an underpants gnome*) and see if I can divine their secret road map.
So it’s a lesson in patience at the moment. And try not to feel like I’m in limbo. Keep doing what I’m doing and wait and see. Keep dreaming my dream, keep the laser focus on creating the life I want to live. Baby steps eh? I never was really good at that 🙂
More housey goodness and less of the pensive ramblings next time I promise.
*Great as in Big, Major, Important, Significant not fun, wonderful, very good because I have had those kind of great times.
*Underpants Gnome – http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/04/05/underpants-gnomes/